jasmine's heard of God(samuel)

a birthday without daddy

2009-03-31T06:34:00.000-07:00

today is my 23rd birthday and it's a birthday without a dad. it was..........normal........because it's been a while since the last time my family celebrate my birthday and each year they would just give me angpow and grandmother would cook food that i like to eat for me and that's it. but i've not been at home on the day of my birthday on my 21st birthday and today. Today I took leave to go lepak on my birthday. one thing different is that i don't receive angpow from daddy anymore. today nobody would give me few hundred dollars to buy the things that i like myself or to greet me 'happy birthday' when i got up from bed. on my 21st birthday daddy waited for me to come home just to take a picture with him that day and he waited until he didn't go for his bath because he doesn't want to wear a short to take the picture. i think that was the last time i took a picture with daddy. that year he bought me a white gold key pendant and a necklace that i'm still wearing it today. the present he bought me on my 17th birthday, a guitar cost Rm160, i'm still keeping it and not let anyone to use it. i missed him........

i missed daddy.........

2009-01-19T04:49:00.000-08:00

daddy had left us one week already but everyone is still missing him and always jokes about him. there are things to settle for him especially the shop. mom is now taking his place part timely and she's gonna get busy from now on. there are things for her to catch up with and still new to all this stuff. sooner or later i might have to go back to the shop to help out also if the guy teaches me to mix the wine. at first i thought dreamt of working somewhere else is gone but now i also not sure that whether that guy wants to teach me anot. but for real my plans of going to kl work is totally gone as i have to take care of my mom and grandmother here. after hearing some issues here and there i felt like i'm still protected by God. i had always had in mind that the Lord is treating me very well as i haven't face the outside world for real. i heard that there are gangsters asking my dad for protection money and it was scary. now there are only 3 women in the house and we're to protect ourselves right now but still we need a man to be fierce enough to face people. God is very kind to me as He had given me more than 24 hours to talk to my father telling him to accept Christ.
as i told dear dear yesterday that i still missed daddy and told him that usually what he will do at night, i'm not really used to it to be alone who stay awake late at night. usually daddy also will stay up late. daddy is happy when i stay up late with him because he felt like that i'm accompanying him. suddenly i felt so lonely already. i wondered what my mom would feel as this all happen all of the sudden.

goodbye daddy, i'll be missing you

2009-01-12T17:26:00.000-08:00

God had taken daddy back to His side last night. i am trying my best to fight back my tears as my mom is going strong to face through all this. my mom and i watched as daddy goes peacefully. he was smiling in his death. he's been in pain for 24 hours and the condition was getting worst, therefore we had to let him go. my heart drops as i watched the monitor showing is heartbeat is going down and down. mom told him to go peacefully and i told him that he don't have to worry about us, we will take care of ourselves. i prayed until the last minutes for a miracle to come but i really thanked God that i had the chance to tell him to follow Jesus and asked him to accept Christ. i almost couldn't sleep last night and i had dear dear chat with me until 3am. my mom went off to do stuff early this morning. she took my grandmother to see daddy and poh sing's staff were all there crying with daddy's godfather. my tears wouldn't stop flowing when mentioning about daddy. i managed to hold on last night for a period of time after praying. i couldn't eat anything since the day daddy was admitted to the hospital. i had no mood to do it but i know i must take care of myself as i had promised daddy. i must stay strong no matter what.

daddy.........

2009-01-11T14:39:00.000-08:00

my mind is so empty right now, i do not know what to do. my father was admitted to the hospital yesterday because of sudden heart attack. he fainted in the house and we quickly sent him to the hospital but on the way his breath was very mild and i did cpr on the car and i was really scared. his hands were cold and we couldn't call him to wake up. the doctors took 20 minutes to get his pulse back but his blood pressure is still very low and he need the machines to help him breath. after that doctor put him in the icu room and is trying their best to save him by giving him medication and see how he respond. doctor told me and my mom that he had a very low percentage of surviving; about 5% and even if he did survive, he'll be paralysed because his brain was damage.
on the way to the hospital, i was praying very hard to ask God not to take him away first but i also tell God that if He wanted to take him away i also cannot do anything. i really got shocked when i saw my family members surrounding my father on the floor when i came out from my room after hearing them calling my father loudly and i thought something was strange. at first i thought he just fell because of his carelessness but when i came closer to look at him, he was in pain. he was bitting his teeth hardly when we put a spoon in his mouth because we scare that he might bite his tongue. he was also holding his hands tightly like he was having a cram. my aunty went to call the doctor and he managed to hear us and he said he doesn't want to go to hospital and then he fainted. i was really really sad when we couldn't feel his pulse in the car and i did my best to do cpr in the car. lucky my christian neighbour was there to help. i was shocked looking at him and i do not know what to do, all i remember was i wanted to ask the Lord for help but my mind was empty, i do not know what am i suppose to pray, i just keep asking the Lord to save him.
when i was in the icu room, doctor said we can try talk to him but he might not respond. my mom and i started calling him but he had no respond to us. i told him by his ears to ask Jesus to save him. i do not know whether he couldn't listen or not but i do my part of telling him to ask Jesus for help. i do not know what will happen next but this gonna be hard for me to go through. i just pray to the Lord to give me strength to face what is coming to me and my family.

God is training me

2008-10-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

after few hard times these days, i started to realise few things and that i've grow. i think i might able to see what God's plan for me. at first i was angry at things happened because it didn't turn up the way i think it would. but come to think on the other side, i began to understand why God wanted it to be that way and it's a chance He had given me to improve. after all i am a very lazy person and i only play for fun. now i got the chance to play for real. secondly, i found myself not very much like a cry baby already. i still cry at the beginning but after a few hours or less than one hour, i had stop the crying and started to think about how to solve my problems. then i started to not to talk so much when my frens are discussing about another person so that i will not increase the gossip and i started to keep other people things to myself not to tell anyone so that no one will talk about it and create gossip again. it is really hard to do all this things because we used to think it was nothing and it wouldn't harm anyone if the victim does not know about it. but then i realised that we don't know whether what we talk or do will cause people to have a sensitive feeling for frens. we don't know when we talk about somebody else will they accidentally heard the conversation. if i were the victim, i would be hurt and sad. therefore if i do not want that to happen to me, i must not do it to anybody else and God said gossiping is no good. for once i was told that 'do not speak unpleasant with the mouth you use to worship God'.

middle person again

2008-09-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

once again i'm stuck in the middle. because one party cannot make decision, the other party keep forcing to have an answer. what am i suppose to do? if i ever make a decision, one of the party will get hurt, it is either this one or the other one. i wished to help one party but the other party couldn't make up it's mind and i got hurt by the one party. sometimes i think that there is no even, when you want to take care of something or someone, you can't have the time for another one because you can't split yourself into 2 person. sometimes how i wish i could talk with somebody than keeping it all to myself but this could hurt someone's reputation.what to do but to keep to myself alone? i also wish that someone could understand me not only you or you. if you think you're the one who got hurt most, what about the middle person who got strike from both side?think twice.......

i might have to break promise

2008-09-17T04:27:00.000-07:00

it's gonna be 3 weeks i didn't get to see dear dear and it's gonna be the 4th week if i had to go down to kl accompany my mom. well, i felt bad for not granting my promise to dear dear because i had promised him to fetch him back from kampar after his exam, now he might have to find his own way to get home. i knew that breaking promises is wrong but my mom needs me to accompany her and since there were things happened lately in the family. i felt headache worrying about dear dear and my mom. to tell the truth i did not tell my mom that i am going to kampar or else she would be very angry with me because i've been fetching him here and there. i don't want her to have a bad impression on him. but somehow dear dear seemed to misunderstand and he doesn't understand about something. so he got upset and he don't know who could come and fetch him but he told me not to worry and that he can settle by himself. i felt bad that always giving him trouble during his exam time and it's especially his last paper. almost every quarter of exam is always like this. and my mom didn't tell my grandmother that they are going to down to kl this weekend, i also don't know what is she thinking, making me almost blow up the secret. why am i always in the middle of things? and i would easily shrew up things? i have to choice to make, 1: accompany my mom to kl because she scared she would faint during the journey and there is no one else to drive for her. 2: go to kampar fetch dear dear back so that he can play on sunday worship because pastor is not around. which one shall i choose?

small matter......

2008-09-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

why does it have to be so complicated in a family? why does the senior don't know something about family's peace? why must they always fight for such tiny little matter and not try to help each other to solve it? i was heartache because there's nothing i can do to help make peace between them. they argue for such small matter that doesn't worth a while. i'm afraid that i'm not a good talker. there's nothing more i can do but to pray to God and let Him help my family.........

holiday!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-02T04:40:00.000-07:00

ah well, peak period is over, merdeka holiday is over, BUT I GOT MY OWN HOLIDAY TODAY AND TOMORROW HALF-DAY!!!!!!!!!!Haha!!!!!!!! i've got 4 days and a half holiday this week, but i didn't go anywhere........ i skipped my church family camp to cameron highland and company trip to malacca. because i didn't go malacca, i was needed to help to audit client's office and i got SUN BURN!!!! sob sob..... i didn't go cameron coz need to back up in church with dear dear. only 8 people turn up on that sunday. first time i saw so few people in church. got to take this opportunity to rest well because i really need it. thru out the whole week i need to wake up at at least 7am, sunday even earlier then 7am, i only got saturday to sleep abit longer. now i got 3 weekdays to sleep a little bit longer than usual.........and i'm enjoying it.
after i woke up this morning i went out to get my stuff done, since i'm on holiday so i went to find klynn and ping chin for lunch. it's been a while since i had a long chat with them. after that i went to make some payment in MBI....(sigh, don't like to mention about it) and went to Aunty Rebecca's shop to buy some stuff. Later i went to pay phone bill and i almost forgotten about my driving licence that i had to renew. luckily i remember it before i got home. i'm almost broke today, not much money left when i got home and i need to borrow dear dear's saving, gonna return it after i got my salary.
dear dear is not coming back for 3 weeks......i missed him so much already. all these time i never missed to see him more than 2 weeks......now have to plus one more week....sigh.....after exam when he come back, he's having an intensive training on guitarist.......i wondered if he would pull me into it anot......it's gonna be alot of pain.........but no choice la,not enough musicians ma.......need to brush up my organ also.......

what about the future?

2008-08-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

someone asked me, how come i am so calm and so free, don't have to think about the future? she's surprised when she heard me saying that i don't want to study for a degree because with a diploma at hand couldn't take me higher. so how come i can be so relax and no worries about anything? i told her that God has a plan for me and He already prepared it for me, therefore i'm not worried about it. last time i also thought about it what do i want to do in my future. will i always stay in an accounting firm and do tax? what do i really want to do with my life? when i was younger i never thought about what i'm going to do except at a certain time i want to be a writter but in the end i gave it up since i accepted Christ because the things that i wrote was not supposed to be written by a christian. i wrote and wrote for about 7 years but haven't finish a single story. i wasted 7 years and fail to write a story and i was actually glad about it because it was not supposed to be publish by a christian. since now that i had a dear dear already, my future is more brighter. therefore i borrowed a bible to her and hope that she can understand then meaning of life with God and she can live a more exciting life with God.

responsibility

2008-08-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

lately, i felt my responsibility had gone heavier. i began to play guitar in youth after a long break. embarassingly i played very lousy. i don't even know the chords, even if i know them, i couldn't play them well. my fingers seemed to be hard on them. since dear dear was not able to play during these period, so i was asked to play them. ah mei also helped, she played when it was her turn of worship leading. later on i will go into worship lead also. i saw how people do it but i don't know whether i can do it myself or not. but this responsibility of mine is better than the job i had. i almost felt like i have nothing to do. although i know why God put me in there as a hiding place, i felt very ignored. sometimes they provide laughter but it was an empty laughter. last time when i worked there for 1 month, they were all very friendly and happy but now there seemed to be a lot of gossip around here and there and there was a 'department fight'. last time i didn't felt it because i was in a very 'comfortable situation' and i didn't notice anything, but now i realised there was many things that i didn't know then. then i realised that one jealous step could make a big argument and unwanted gossip. there seemed to be dislikement between each other. most of us were still young and the ignorance of the older ones cause these unwanted situation. sometimes i also felt not fair in certain situation but i couldn't do anything to it except accepting it and move on as aunty taught us SUMO = shut up and move on. well, if you keep jealous about it and talked about it, it'll become a gossip and there'll be unforgiveness inside the heart. why not just forget about it and do something else which is better? i don't want to develop a heart that always want to hate something, it will force the heart to work harder. i would rather want it to be comfortable and lovely so that i can enjoy many other thing that a hatred and unforgiveness heart cannot do. somehow i felt i need to do something in my work place to bring salvation to them and save the hatred situation but i don't know how. i'm afraid that i couldn't do well and i'm not well equipped.

my happiness to share

2008-07-14T05:16:00.000-07:00

i am very happy to have the opportunity to attend my convocation this time. my dear dear is there, my family are there, my friends are there, i was just so happy for everything happened that day thanks to God for preparing it. I went to Kampar on Friday after work to meet up with my friends. I'm glad to see them again and I had a great time with them. Woke up early around 630am and had breakfast with dear dear at Gong Hin for dim sum around 730am before heading to college for register at 8am. I thought i was the only one in my class who attend but i'm glad to have vivian to seat next to my number and i kept holding her hand for the whole ceremony because i'm too excited and nervous. Dato' Ong Ka Chuan was the one who handed the scroll to me, I was very nervous until I don't know where to post for the camera when i was on stage. wai yee purposely came to kampar to see me and being my camera girl for the day and accompany me to wherever i go. I really thank you her for that for being my very good friend. after my family went home, dear dear accompanied me the whole day and bought me a bouquet of flowers which i took hundreds of pictures of it when i got home. he also went for dinner with my family after youth. at first he said he didn't want to come but at last he came for me, i really thank you him for that for sacrificing his time to come,loved him so much. the next day, christine was coming to Ipoh to attend church with us, Koon Ue also came but Kelly was unable to come because she was not feeling well. Later we went to dear dear's sunway house for visit and we took many photos with belinda. I really had lot of fun with her. and i got to take pictures with dear dear (saturday only took 3 pictures....not enough la) i liked the pictures i took with dear dear on sunday,haha...very sweet de oh.....after i drop christine at the bus station, i cried......i missed her like the day we left kampar last year. it's been almost a year i didn't get to see her. the feeling was like the whole convo thing ends from the moment she headed to the bus. it is because of convo we all get to meet each other again for this special ceremony. it's gonna be hard for us to get together again because everyone is busy with their work and life. kampar is a place where it came in to a part our lives for a certain time and it is a very special and memorable lifetime to remember. i never regret of knowing them and attending the convo although it's two year over my actual graduation year, i am still happy with it. next year it's dear dear's turn.....i hope that i can be there for him too because i want him to enjoy it like i did.

thounderous morning

2008-07-02T03:34:00.000-07:00

finally june case is over, now only need to help out to do limited company's tax end of this month. finally got a break. not really much work do to now except filing them back to the files and cabinets. i'm looking forward to my convocation next saturday. i'll be going to kampar on wednesday to collect my gown. so i'm getting excited but i am tired as well. it seemed like i don't have strength to carry a whole day's work. i felt sleepy most of the time.
lately i've been watching narnia 2 : prince caspian over and over again. i couldn't help it and i couldn't stop watching it. almost everyday i wanted to watch it. now i started to have interest with narnia's books again. i still have 2 books to go and i'm thinking of owing it later. and i wanted to buy the original movie when it's out. it's a really nice show and dear dear made me tell him what can i see through the movie.
last sunday, as early as 4am in the morning, i was awaken by a loud thunderous sound. i got up from my bed and went out to the living room to find out what's going on. my grandmother and dad was awake too. we peek outside and we can't see anything suspicious around except that my neighbour's front door light was out. therefore we assume that the thunder got shock the electricity of the house. on the time when i heard the sound, i thought jesus is coming because i never had heard a thunder sound like that before and the bible mentioned that He will come by a thunderous sound. i was quite afraid that i would be left behind. after that i couldn't sleep at all. then i watch narnia until morning before going to church. i asked my friends which stayed near my house if they have heard the sound, they said they did not hear anything because they were deep sleep. so i thought it was strange.

i got wireless router!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-19T05:52:00.000-07:00

finally my mom bought us a wireless router. now i can go online anywhere i want in the house. now i'm sitting in my living room to write this post. n_n i've been having a bad week with work load, thanks to God that He made me comfortable at home. at least i would want to quickly finish my work and go home to play my computer with wireless. well i made dear dear angry again because i said something wrong. he doesn't like to joke about this. but later we're fine again. anyway i still love him so much despite all the weakness he had, i guess i must learn to deal with it as he would do the same for me

my new laptop

2008-06-17T03:58:00.000-07:00

i got my laptop yesterday!!!!! a brand new one...... finally it arrived after waiting for 2 weeks of ordering it......i'm having original software, original anti virus and everything is new!!!!!!!! i'm so happy but......i don't have anything to do in the internet anymore.....except downloading movies etc and checking mails and login to friendster. i just realised i don't have to online every night......and whenever i online, i felt boring after checking all my mails and it's not very much to check about. well, the sad thing is i ate a very big dead cat yesterday and i might not be attending convocation...... i've been waiting to attend it but my mom said it's trouble some and so on,i don't want to hear anything about this anymore so i just don't want to go anymore la. i've been busy for the whole week, everyday almost working until 9pm only go home, i went to work on saturday also......i'm tired and hurt mentally, spiritually and physically. work on saturday meaning feeding the mosquitoes with my blood......not to mention about eating a dead cat and got hurt in the heart........some people might think i'm still like a kid, little problem also cannot tahan..... i bet they are the ones who kept shouting at people don't disturb them la, don't come up with things la, they very fan la got many things to do la, don't like to tell the reason why they are angry la, kept saying that i won't understand la, bla bla bla bla bla and so on......they are the ones who don't know how to handle their anger and keep expecting people to know what they are thinking when they don't know what's going on...........sigh....... tired with these complains....... meanwhile there are some people who couldn't even say anything and forced to keep quiet at things, only can write in the blog and keep it all to themselves......hoping they will read it when they have time, but it was hopeless........sigh......nothing i can do but to develop more and more patient and swallow the cat...........

i don't know what to do

2008-06-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

well, result's out......I GOT MY DIPLOMA!!!!!!!!!! i pass!!!!! i can graduate!!!!!!!! i can go for convo!!!!!!! it was unbelievable when wai leong told me that i pass my resit subjects and my name is on the graduate list. i was so scared to go check it at the first place, but after i heard i pass, i can't wait to go online right away to see it myself. this time i really pass all. thanked God for it. but later on i was sad because dear dear not coming to the convo and my mom said she doesn't want to go either. i was angry with them that night......ask me to understand their feelings then who would understand mine? after all one problem after another haunts me for the rest of the week. i've got bills to issue, forms to fill in, tax to do, take of my family (my uncle got rob and admit to hospital), sad because my mom and dear dear doesn't want to attend my comvocation, got commitments to pay.......gosh.....i felt like quitting and i really want a break! i couldn't even have a good day go for a movie or shopping with dear dear during his holidays, that's because he's busy taking care of his grandmother. and when i thought everything was over here comes another one. everyday from few weeks ago everybody's been working overtime to meet dateline by end of this month, and by this very busy month the daughter of my boss went complaining about what we're doing.of course she has the right to take care of things, but what she did was unreasonable, plus accusing us didn't do our work properly like she had nothing to do but to accuse us. in this peak period she's making us things that can be done later on and making us to have more burdens. i thought last week was my enjoying week where i ordered a new laptop, where i finally got some time to go for a movie with dear dear, where i was asked to consider to be baptist, picking up things and report that i missed in youth during my exam, found over RM100 for my 73 collection...........sigh............ i really wanted to cry in the office..... the pressure kept coming to the department i'm in......... speaking of how to face the pressure, i really don't know how to get the work done. i was so angry with it, i buzz it out to my family, i used words on it and i felt like i wanted to burn all the files in the cabinet and felt like i would just strike the company. this really making people go angry.

exam is over

2008-05-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

exam is finished now, it's the last exam and it's end of college life.......but i think i blowed up my diploma...sigh.... now i really don't know what i should do, i had a very blur image of my future..... i can say that i don't have a good deal of ambition......my plan of going to degree may be failed. my parents sure going to be angry with me for not graduating. during the study time, i kept praying and praying to God to help me to study, give me wisdom and memorise what i read....now my last hope is God, only He can help me now. i placed all my hopes on Him..... i always wondered was it His plan for me is to stay in tax department? work or study? will i be able to make my way without a diploma? but i believe that the Lord will bless me in everything i do and train me to do things is His ways.

a relief......and a another test

2008-04-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

well, things already turn well for me in work, God opened my eyes to see the things that He wanted me to learn in my work place, now i don't see my work so stressly liao.....plus God gave me dear dear to support me all the times, God really does know how to comfort me......actually it wasn't so hard to work in that work place, i was strees back then because i was too selfish to learn my mistakes and taking seriously about everything......like communication and relationship with my colleague and then not serious in observing my own mistakes and not to mention not taking initiative to work harder. after knowing God's plan for me, things look more different now. to realise it now, i would rather working here than any other place at the moment. there's something about this place God shared with me and it's a secret.......haha.....i only share with God and dear dear.....so don't plan to ask me about it.
another test is coming for me. i just finish my final 2 papers and i still have 1 more to go. well, despite of tiredness, i felt i really want to study i don't want to give up my diploma just like that, but at the same time also i felt like it's really hard to maintain that kind of mind. i didn't study during my time i work plus i'm doing overtime for 2 weeks before exam. so when i got here in kampar (yup, i'm in kampar now when i'm writing this) i wished to spend everytime studying studying and studying, but i really find it hard to do so because i felt the situation is not right and i think i'm too carried out by what other people do. i think i'm selfish again, couldn't concentrate in study because people are not studying with me and i got jealous, asking why am i studying so hard and they just can go online and 'hit machine' when they are having exam the same day as mine. finally they only study after midnight and disturb my slumber. i'm having a very bad attitude of study, couldn't even concentrate myself for sake. this is my last exam already........this is very important......i thought i was doing quite well in econ but i really don't have confidence in audit, i think i fail it and planning not to go for my ma since going for it doesn't make my audit paper good........this is another test for me.....if i can get through this i'll be like a flying bird......yet i think prayer is very very important, this time around i made my prayer often for my studies. i pray and pray and pray to God asking Him to give me wisdom and strengh to carry on to study and remember the things that i had read. i really hope that prayer could save my diploma now.

bad day

2008-04-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

i had a bad day today. i am very tired. all my work couldn't finish. all the things keep coming and coming and coming. i am very headache. moreover my eye sight got worst. i just went to make new glasses. today i have to recalculate the dividends many times. again and again have to really concentrate to check each dividends whether they are issued in the same year ended or after the year ended because the rate for each year are not the same. then have to divide them into groups according to their rate. and one by one have to take out and tie them separately. it's easy for just a few pieces of papers, but i got more than 100 pieces of dividends for a pair of husband and wife. i am very frustrated being calculate and calculate again and it's very confusing. later on after i completed them, somebody else tells me the format is wrong and i had to pull of the staples again and print new format and staple back, the whole form got lots of little holes because of it. at first i thought i finished it but later on i got to redo it again and again. this is so tiring. came back home i already felt very tired and very hard to concentrate to study at night. i only got less than 3 weeks before exam to study my last 3 subjects. i felt like crying at office but forced myself to hold back my tears and i told myself i got to be strong. i kept talking and talking to God, asking him to give me strength to carry on with the work. finally i only get to complete a pair of couple's complete form to be filing to income tax department. there's going to be more to go for the rest of the week and it's going to be very very very tiring. i really have no mood to do the work.

my birthday!

2008-03-31T05:51:00.000-07:00

today is my birthday! Happy birthday to me! Even though today i'm 22 years old already, i really don't feel like i'm an adult. i don't feel like i'm 22!! Last week a credit card seller approached me and asked me a question; are you old enough to own a credit card? she said i look like i'm only 20 years old. Yesterday dear dear and his sister belanja me eat Pizza Hut!! First time in years we ate Pizza with the right amount, not too full but just the right amount. Usually we would be like....oh!!!very full la.....can't finish the pizza.... At first we though want to order a 4 persons' set, luckily we didn't. Last night i stay awake until 1am, all my friends send sms to me wishing me happy birthday.....but my dear dear is sleeping..... Today he told me that he had set alarm last night but shut it down when it rangs because he was too tired and continue to sleep. What a reason! sigh...... Today thought got cake eat geh, but my colleagues forgotten my birthday..... By the time they remember, it's too late to buy cake already... My birthday present? Haha..... Dear dear already bought me a guitar last month.....very early leh.....but hor last year he promised to buy a big bear bear for me de.....until now i also haven't get the bear bear.....this year i request for a necklace ,but he got me a guitar.....hehe......i also don't know why we get birthday present for each other very early. Last year i got for him a guitar bag in may when his birthday is in july. Now i have to think what to get for him this year. A year older liao.....felt tired everyday with work and study. Must get my diploma ah! God please help me!! I don't want to waste time and money!! i'm still hoping to study degree de leh......please let me pass the remaining 3 subjects only ma......

2008-03-28T05:13:00.000-07:00

still got 3 weeks exam lu......the night before i tried studying econ,i did the tutorial and it took me 2 hours to do only 5 questions! Now i realise why the exam would held for so long hours. my friend came back this week and we planned earlier that when she came back she could help me do revision geh.....but it seemed that i don't have time on weekends. dear dear's hand got hurt today and i promised him to teach him do assignment de......tomorrow's youth also kelam kabut liao, haven't decide who's the ice breaker......schedule haven't complete.....dear dear can't play......never mind la, God will make a way.......
anyway, i got to write down everything i need to do because i'm a very forgetful person.....haha..... i always forgets things espeacially in my work place..... so many clients with different faces, really hard to remember all of them..... espeacially nowadays they will run in and out of the office because dead line is near...... busy controlling the list of person who book in and haven't book, received forms with those do not have forms, waiting for client to come sign their forms..... if things get mess up, i'm gonna be headache.......

good news and bad news?????

2008-03-25T04:25:00.000-07:00

yesterday dear dear told me that he could continue his degree in kampar. i was quiet happy with it because he can continue to study and can come back every week to see me. but later on he told me that his mom wanted him to go kl work after his degree. sigh....... it seemed that sooner or later he will go kl after all la..... well, kl is a better place to get jobs with high pay la, i would want to go too but i don't know whether i can handle kl's life and i don't think my mom will let me go lo..... the next thing is, dear dear asked me to continue study to degree if i pass my exams. it's good to have a degree la in nowdays because everybody is a degree holder, it's hard to get better job with better pay with the qualification below degree. i'm glad that i found a job with 'all right' pay before my diploma, but i don't know how long can this last...... degree is much harder than diploma and i don't know whether i can finish studying it since i'm not doing good in diploma also....wasted 4 years..... i also don't know whether my mom can support me or not...... until now i'm not doing so well in saving money...... can use epf money to study geh.....but not enough lo..... i've been imagining if i continue to study in kampar, one thing i can study with dear dear, another thing is i think i need to work part time to get pocket money also lo..... morning got class, at night work, summore got assignments, homeworks, tests....... i really don't know i can handle it or not leh...... utar not like ktar lo, every semester have to get at least 2.0 cgpa only steady, those below it also consider pass but not very good lo, have to resit the paper the very same semester. i found my friends been busy with their assignments and test..... they seemed very stressful..... now i also very stressful even before i make any decision on it...... so many things to consider...... if i go study liao what about the church? youth already got very little people liao..... i know i have to continue to come to church no matter what, even when i'm working now, my mom been yelling me for going to church, what about later on? financial problem? rental near utar also very expensive..... stay at ktar is far from utar, have to drive, need to support petrol summore..... if i go study, i have less time to accompany my family... even worst i have no time for my family, weekdays in kampar, weekends in church...... now also i don't have time in weekends for my family, after work also tired liao.....my mom will sure dislike this..... come back on saturday still need to go for youth meeting, sunday early morning already run off to church again...... she also doesn't like what am i doing now, so what about after i go for my studies? VERY FAN AH!!!!!!! sigh.... well, couldn't decide anything right now, have to wait until after this exam and the result of the exam only can decide..... but at the mean time, i still need to save money in case i needed them to study, then don't have to burden my parents so much...... sigh... my birthday's coming next week, hate to think about it but i had to celebrate my birthday with the heart to study for exam...... peak period is on my exam time, couldn't get back to help my colleague...sigh.... thought could get some extra money from doing over time geh..... now have to wait for june peak period to work hard lo...... this time no extra money but my study leave unpaid also ah....... no extra...summore want to deduct my salary.......very charm ah......

patient

2008-03-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

it seemed that when people grow older, the easier they get to be impatient. due to loads of work, burdens that they get, it's easy for them to loose their temper. i found myself in this situation too. i used to think i can be very patient with things but then i realised now that the older i get, the more easy i loose my temper and i was impatient. something like....... i easily get angry with people, i don't like whatever they do, and it's been affecting me. just now my dad just come into my room without asking, pull out a chinese letter word 'patient' and told me that it's hard to master this word. well...he used to pull this word out but i doesn't seem to take serious care about it, but now it does manage to catch up my attention to it. i agree that it's hard to master patient in one's life due to self pride, selfishness and etc..... the bible says that we must trust God to give us patience during those difficult times when we must wait. this sentence really tells me that God can hear me and He is here to give me hope and help me. thanked to God's grace i had a salary increment!! no much but it's a good news. although i never worried about how long i got to work to get higer pay, i was worrying about something else, God encourages me with it as the bible says God will provide our needs, therefore we shouldn't be worrying about it, the bird didn't not worry about what to eat tomorrow because God will provide for them.

acceptance

2008-03-11T04:55:00.000-07:00

earlier i found myself hard to accept something, more specifically, i had a hard time accepting myself. my mind and my heart acted differently, therefore they seemed to have a big impact on me in some matters and i felt hard to accept it. at times i was so angry about it and i started to hit my pillows throw everything down from my head, i couldn't control myself and i had enough of it. but i believe that the Lord had been with me going through it, i didn't stay in that uncontrallable situation for very long.thanked the Lord He took my pain away and i'm on the process to learn more things. well, acceptance is really a hard thing to understand. someone can accept things easily while some people don't. it's easy to accept something you love than accepting something that you hate. but the Lord taught us to love our enemies (matthew 5:44), because by loving our enemies, we can overcome evil with good. i learn that to accept something that i love is natural selfishness, to accept something we hate is love.

boring............6th March 2008, night......

2008-03-06T06:37:00.000-08:00

I've been wondering what to write and I've been quite boring right now, online until sien liao....... Besides Monday to Friday have to wake up early go to work from 830am to 530pm, I have nothing to do at night. The most happiest day of the weekend is weekends!!!!!! I got to wake up early go to church on Sundays, Saturdays evening got youth, most of the time I will go out on Saturday morning and come home late evening. Go out lepak with dear dear, have lunch, play guitar, watch movie, play with Belinda (dear dear's little sister). All my energy and exciting mood will be on weekends. Therefore I really appreciate weekends. Somehow I find weekdays are more slower than weekends. I usually go to work with sleepy eyes and come back from work with more sleepy eyes...... very boring. I asked God what does He wanted me to learn from this job? I felt like it's nothing so special about the job, every day people will go to work and do the same thing, past by the same road they took to get to their work place, eat the same food...... this is what I hate the most - have to decide what to eat for lunch - I've been dealing with this question everyday since my stay in Kampar for 3 years, been asking my friends what to have for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper ( usually they never take breakfast but I can't stand without breakfast) During the days when I was still studying in primary and secondary school, I never had to worry about this question because my grandmother will prepare it for the whole family and because I will be at home for lunch after school, I don't have to take lunch outside, I just eat what is been cooked by her. Sometimes I also complain la because sometimes i don't like to eat the food ( I'm very choosy de) Come to think of it, I don't pretty much appreciate what is prepared for me and I learned that I done alot of complaining by myself because I don't pretty much complain it out. Accepting something I like is easier but accepting something I don't like is hard......still I had to learn to accept things because I know God will prepare the best for me ( I wanted to put in scriptures but I don't remember them, I just know it exist, sorry God) So unless I learn something from my current situation, if not I don't think God will bless me with better situation because I also haven't pass His stage one, how am I suppose to go to stage two? Even if He let me enter to stage two, I'll never improve because I couldn't learn stage one. And then I will find it more harder to get on with life. I do not want the history of my life repeat by itself. I might be a slow learner but I'm still wanting to learn more even if I know I'm quite stuborn in accepting things, please be patient with me....... (ps: I might run away from my topic which made the beginning and the end not tally.....please forgive me la, I will try to improve ge la)

samuel.......

2008-03-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

Well, here's another blog website I created and I asked God to give me a name for the title of the blog - and it happened to be the name Samuel. I don't know what am I supposed to do with this blog, I just feel like creating it and write about my daily life or feelings or whatever. I also don't know what am I supposed to do with the title God gave me. Truly I'm not very good at hearing God's voice even though this is the second year after I accepted Christ. I had to admit that I have not been attending bible classes since I left Kampar. Although I've been attending Sunday Service every week, I still felt that it was not enough for me. Whenever I asked God to give me guidance, I still need to refer to the Bible and asked Him to show me. But I know one thing for sure that He is always by my side no matter where I go. So perhaps there is a purpose for me to create this blog. Of course I would like people to give me comment so that I can improve......but please do not be too harsh, or else I'll be like a cry baby....... Encouraging words would be good for me. Thank you.